So I wonder - What has been, and what will be?

My brother has left for Thailand and I'm probably going to need some convincing that I won't miss him. After all, I only have him home on the weekends and it really isn't enough. He'll be gone till 07 August, which is quite a long time but, be safe kor. I want you back in one piece. Don't worry, I'll miss you :) I need you to be here to jump on my bed and roll around, steal my food and run away - cause it makes me laugh. I'm becoming used to it, so come back soon okay.

It's amazing how I've come to realise that though my brother and I differ in rather obvious ways, we're actually similar in other, less obvious ways too. Just that, he'll always be older. I couldn't be more thankful to have someone who's older, who has gone through things I haven't and who will be able to help and lead me as I grow.

I've been feeling strange over the past few days, and I think I do know why. I just can't face up to it.

I thank God for the Sy Rogers Seminar, and of course, Nubian Gents. Though it was a long day, I enjoyed myself with Clara and Eunice in the morning at Sy Rogers' and with the rest of the girls, Stacie-Lio and Hafiz at Nubian Gents :) Thanks for making today so bright and cheery!

For one, I recognised imperfection - my imperfection. I'm living with my fallen nature, my failed, stained and ugly heart. That's the truth of the matter, isn't it. This fallen nature makes one weak and terribly vulnerable. It made me feel so dirty, ugly and unworthy. This is my heart I'm talking about, having seen the things that have gone wrong and recognising that they need to go.

God, what falls out of Your intent?

I know that my pain and struggles matter to You, I just need to feel it. I need to know it's true.

Here's something Sy Rogers said, "There is a time and purpose for every procedure though the weight of burden is upon your shoulders." So I'll wait, God. I'll wait. I'll choose to be patient. I'd rather grow than to rush through this life I'm leading that will lead me to a destination that is undesirable.

Don't give up on God or His character because you haven't received your breakthrough, yet. And Pastor Sy said that 'yet' is a very important word. I'll cling on for dear life God. If that's not enough, then I'll give all I have left.

A lifetime isn't just about enough to learn or share enough.

God, I need more of who You are, cause I'm not enough, I've got holes that leave me inadequate. I may not know everything about You, but in spite of what I don't know, as long as I'm able to grasp a little of Your character, I think that will be more than enough.

Is there really no pit too deep that You won't go deeper?

Rhetorical.

But just like Pastor Sy said, I'll give You my loyalty. It's the one thing I'm able to give right now. Assure me - that You paid the price and took the blame because You wanted me more than You wanted to be right. I still don't feel the conviction, but I won't give up till I do.

Hey God, You are my value. You don't only give me value, You are my value because You're in my heart.

Thank You for not treating me like my sin deserves.

You haven't lost me God, and I know I haven't lost You either.

So Nat, won't you break, won't you break free? There's no escaping Your love, or Your truth.

As unsettling and upsetting it is to witness, we'll fight on. It's a battle lost in our own strength, but a battle won in God's! This fight isn't over till God says it's over. So who's up for perseverance? Who's up to the task, of conquering?

In Jesus Name, we claim V.I.C.T.O.R.Y